** An SGIG/Bell Special G20 Report **

Editor's note: We are posting this to show what we do to keep the "Swiss Gnome Intelligence Group" up and running as part of our dedication to serving you, our readers. We hope in doing so to enhance reader loyalty. For a previous Swiss Gnome report, you may see the interview After Thoughts: "Rick Rule on Scarce Commodities, the High Price of Gold and the Sale of Global Resources"

Email Subject: A curious event in Seoul, Korea concerning the mysterious disappearance of tiny Kblintzkistan's sole central banker, "Rasz Tios Kragsa" and what our Daily Bell Swiss gnomes had to do with it.

Point of article: Dear reader ... What follows below is a HUMOROUS take on the recent G20 conference. Rasz Tios Kragsa does not exist (so don't try to Google him). For a previous report on the Bell's highly-suspect Swiss Gnomes, you may see the After Thoughts for "Rick Rule on Scarce Commodities, the High Price of Gold and the Sale of Global Resources" ...

To: Lars the Large, Swiss gnome/Daily Bell intelligence network

From: Managing Editor, Daily Bell

We are in receipt of your email. Let us review it. You open your pitiful response with the following: "Your Most Exalted and Generous Excellency, a leading figure in the current Clarion Call for Justice and Peace." Why the hell can't you just write Managing Editor, Daily Bell? Why does it have to be a clarion call? This is only the first of a series of irritating and almost indecipherable phrases you make throughout your email, which we just received.

Credit where credit is due. You have, at least, responded so we can try to put this matter to bed. You did at least identify the whereabouts of the Kblintzkistan region's central banker (the small, independent state of Kblintzkistan being located near the Russian Ural mountains) who was attending the Seoul G20 conference as a valued "Observer." As you know, our suspicions were raised by certain wire reports that this individual, the honorable Rasz Tios Kragsa, had gone missing after leaving a nearby watering hole "off the beaten track" and that there had been indeterminate activity involving youngsters in the area.

Lars the Large (all of two-feet-tall), we are well aware of your talents as a wordsmith. It is not for nothing that you are also known as Lars the Linguist or "Lippy Lars." But from our point of view you ought not to turn these talents in our direction. Despite your rapid email reply, it is downright hostile to write such a confusing letter to us after a reasonable request of ours for clarification.

Lars, to recap: we wished to know directly WHAT HAPPENED TO RASZ TIOS KRAGSA. You could have been clear about it, instead of evasive. We knew the instant we read the AP article that something was wrong and that you were probably involved. Kragsa, we read, was last seen playing with a "curious group of greasy-locked, swarthy children clad in strangely ragged furs and wielding what appeared to be glittery crescent-moon cutouts. They did not appear to be Korean."

Even allowing for the translation of the AP story from the original Korean this simply doesn't make sense. Why would an important delegate be playing with raggedy children? It was indeed you and your "troop" Lars – you and your five brothers in fact. It could not have been anyone else; we knew that right away. It was in retrospect, a mistake to send you to Seoul to find out what you could about the G20. And since it wasn't Halloween we can only conclude, as the AP story did not, that the glittery crescents were the axes you and the rest of your bloodline carry compulsively everywhere you go.

Now we come to the meat of your obfuscatory and obviously reluctant email explanation. You write that "He was a mighty man; as dignified as he was large; his prone and bibulous corpus collapsed in front of us late at night, breathing shallowly, in need of an infusion of consciousness. T'was fortunate we found ourselves there, near the egress, for we did what we could to assist the honorable individual, seeing clearly he was a VIP."

You cannot write plainly, can you? It was not enough for you, Lars, you big nosed, wart-ridden freak! You couldn't call an officer or even an ambulance. Korea is a civilized country with all those services and more. But instead you "adjourned to a dim cul-de-sac to ensure that his honorable Excellency's vision would not be disturbed on re-awakening." In other words, Lars, you dragged him away from the bar into an alley so no one would see what would happen next. It took all six of you as "his corpus remained of the opinion that movement would be unnecessary."

You then write Lars, that, "during the promulgation of our procession, several accoutrements were dislodged. One was of an oblong, flattened nature and the other kept time. We were most concerned and thus retained them for safekeeping." Suuuuuurre, Lars. You and your fraternal freak show stole the poor guy's wallet and watch.

You write, "At some point precipitation was initiated and large tempest was suddenly upon us. Even more disturbingly lightening struck the nearby dumpster causing its contents to burst into flame. We took shelter nearby but unfortunately while transporting his honorable Excellency, he fell in and began to burn. Even more unfortunately he was bereft of his garments as we had relieved him of them to ensure he would breath more easily – though to be honest he did not seem to be breathing much at all by then. This latter occurrence caused us to cry and moan."

Lowdown, smarmy, knob-headed, starving Shorty! It's not enough that you and your sociopathic siblings rolled a drunk! You COOKED the Kblintzki region's ONLY CENTRAL BANKER in a DUMPSTER. This is what you did! Yes, you likely knocked him over the head with your axe hafts and grilled him in a rectangular garbage can! No doubt you deployed your invisibility cloaks to damp the smell.

You will not admit to it of course. And we were not there and cannot prove anything. But we obviously have our suspicions! You wrote only that, "panicked, perplexed and dejected – grieving for the great man and fearing the worst – we forsook the scene posthaste." FEARING THE WORST! And what of poor Rasz Tios Kragsa, you mini-mongrel ...

"We assume he burned to a crisp and that is why he was never found."

Oh, yeah! Right! Bodies burn to a crisp and then vanish? No, this is what you did, you malignant mite! You consumed him right there in the alley, as late at night as it was, and then you ground up his bones in those tiny magic mortar and pestles that you carry with you. I'm sure you're carrying some of his ground up bones even now! You mix it with cough syrup for the catarrh.

You close with the following: "We apologize most Worthy Wielder of the Appropriate Alarm. We would request if at all possible that you provide us with some additional sterling for this report and for the general expansiveness of our information during this most exclusive and important conference."

Oh, Lars the Lazy, if you had bothered to file a report we might consider it but you didn't! The only missive received from you is this one, and that was only under duress.

You speak of a generalized lassitude resulting from "a lack of nutritious substances congruent to the appetites of mature males of generous stature such as ours, " and "a considerable level of pediatric pain." This implies generally that despite your small size you are extremely hungry. But you were paid just before the conference! So we would suggest another scenario: Again you have converted your wages to gold and stored it in your over-large, pointy, sweaty, leathern shoes, refusing to touch it.

Thus you wander about Seoul hungry and thirsty and in considerable discomfort. Instead of doing the job we paid you to do – report the behind-the-scenes wheeling and dealing involving the G20 – you spend your time camped near all-night clubs, waiting for the inebriates to stagger out. If you can, you swarm them; then write incomprehensible emails upon demand to explain the unforgivable!

And there is one more thing, Lars. We read just a few hours ago of how a group of small, furry but highly aggressive children with long, greasy, dark locks somehow penetrated security and attacked a just-furnished buffet table WITHIN THE SEOUL HOTEL where the G20 conference is being held. They escaped with considerable contents, pulling the table down around them as they went. There is now a national manhunt underway, complete with American GIs, in addition to the Korean civil and military police. Lars, we want an explanation post-haste. And if the information is what we believe it to be, YOU'RE FIRED.

Yours in deep disgust, etc ...

(Dear reader, do you understand? It is almost unbearable ... )