In a world full of unimaginable absurdity, we spend a lot of time thinking about the future… and to where all of this insanity leads.
“Future Headline Friday” is our satirical take of where the world is going if it remains on its current path. While our satire may be humorous and exaggerated, rest assured that everything we write is based on actual events, news stories, personalities, and pending legislation.
“Five Ways to Boost Your Social Credit Score for Smooth Summer Travel”
June 23, 2030
It’s been two years since the US government instituted social credit scores from 0-100 for all citizens and legal residents.
And while at first the scores were purely symbolic, maintaining a good score quickly became mandatory to collect Social Security, renew your passport, receive your tax refund, and more.
But last month, Congress expanded the law to require a social credit score of at least 70 in order to board an aircraft, train, or bus for recreational or business purposes.
The law does carve out numerous exceptions for foreigners, including travel for undocumented migrants from Central America who don’t have a social credit score.
There are also limited exceptions for US citizens, such as emergency travel. However the law does carry stiff penalties of up to 5 years in prison for lying about an emergency in order to fly.
Now, if you’re one of the 40 million Americans with a social credit score below 70, don’t sweat it: We have some tips that could boost your score by up to ten points, in as little as a month!
1) Make sure you are up to date on all your mandatory vaccines and boosters.
If you’re behind on your federally-mandated vaccines and boosters, getting up to date is one of the easiest ways to boost your social credit score.
Depending on how many doses you’ve missed, this one step alone could boost your score by as much as 10 points in as little as three days after complying.
The social credit AI scoring algorithm could also award you bonus points if you post a ‘vaxxie’ to your social media accounts with the appropriate hashtags, like #GetVaccinated, #PfizerGang, or #TeamModerna.
2) If you see something, say something.
Through the Justice Department’s bounty program, you can receive a bump of 1 point to your social credit score for every tip you submit about criminal hate speech or unlawful misinformation.
For example, if you receive an email, post, or text message from a colleague that contains an anti-science conspiracy theory, forwarding that message to the Justice Department’s tip hotline will result in a 1-point boost, and 2 points if it leads to the individual’s arrest.
The social credit AI scoring algorithm will also award 1 bonus point if you denounce the criminal online.
3) Go Vegan
All credible scientists agree that 100% plant-based diets are one of the most powerful tools in the fight against climate change. This is why social credit experts say that maintaining a vegan diet is one of the easiest ways to boost and maintain your social credit score.
While the government has not released specific information about how its algorithm calculates Social Credit Scores related to environmental actions, most people who publicly proclaim their switch to veganism, and then aggressively post their transition, typically see a 5 to 10 point boost within two weeks.
4) Donate to approved charities
Need to boost your score in a pinch? Donating at least 2% of your annual income to certain non-profits, such as the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, or to the World Economic Forum, can increase your score by up to 5 points instantly.
5) Complete the Progressive Reeducation Course
Let’s face it: if your social credit score is below 70, chances are you’re part of the problem in this country. And that’s why the Progressive Reeducation Course (PRC) is a must-do… not only for your social credit score, but also to rescue your basic humanity.
The PRC will rehabilitate all of your wrongthink, and, relying on the most updated and progressive science, teach you the right way to think about the most important social, economic, and political issues of our time.
Completing this important course is worth an immediate 5 points to your social credit score. Truly living its ethos is priceless.