In a world full of unimaginable absurdity, we spend a lot of time thinking about the future… and to where all of this insanity leads.
“Future Headline Friday” is our satirical take of where the world is going if it remains on its current path. While our satire may be humorous and exaggerated, rest assured that everything we write is based on actual events, news stories, personalities, and pending legislation.
October 6, 2028: Congress Fails to End Government Shutdown Amid Capitol Evacuations
After a tumultuous day in Congress yesterday, politicians’ efforts to reopen the government after it shutdown last week came to a screeching halt after both the House and Senate had to be evacuated from the Capitol, and then locked down.
Trouble in Congress had been brewing for several months, as the deeply divided House had once again been unable to pass a budget to fund the government for fiscal year 2029.
A total of 14 different Speakers of the House have come and gone so far this year— the longest lasting seven weeks, and the shortest just four hours.
Experts blame a handful of Congressmen for holding up the budget process— a group of fiscal conservatives which calls itself “The Regiment”.
The Regiment has repeatedly said they will vote against any budget bill that creates a deficit for the United States.
Members of The Regiment submitted their own budget proposal to the Congress last month; however, since the interest bill on America’s $46 trillion national debt now takes up the majority of tax revenue, along with Social Security and Medicare, The Regiment’s proposed budget had eliminated almost everything else in government.
This zero-deficit budget proposal was overwhelmingly rejected. However, with no alternative compromise in sight, Congress failed to pass a budget by the September 30 deadline last week, causing yet another government shutdown— for the fourth year in a row.
Yet with their Congressional seats on the line in next month’s elections, many members of the House of Representatives are under immense pressure to end the shutdown… especially those who are in tight races.
One budget compromise emerged yesterday which seemed to have enough bipartisan support to pass, and end the shutdown. But a series of events prevented members from being able to vote on it.
The first event occurred yesterday morning when Rep. Jamaal Bowman of New York called in a bomb threat, forcing the Capitol to be evacuated.
At first Congressman Bowman denied that he called in the bomb threat. But when Capitol Police released the audio, he walked back those claims.
“To say I ‘called in a bomb threat’ is a total mischaracterization,” Bowman said. “I did not say there was a threat. I simply reported what I thought to be a suspicious device that looked like a bomb. It turns out that it was just a metal water bottle used by one of my staffers. But how am I supposed to know the difference between a bomb and a water bottle? If you see something, say something… Anything else is a threat to democracy.”
House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries backed up his colleague, saying, “This is a simple misunderstanding that could have happened to anyone. And to suggest nefarious intent is, frankly, a threat to our democracy.”
Unfortunately, just as the House had finally reconvened and was prepared to end the government shutdown, a lockdown of the Capitol was forced when an anonymous biothreat email was sent to all Representatives and staffers.
The email claimed that several people in the House Chamber were infected with the newest variant of Covid-25. The Sergeant-at-Arms then ended the session and took control of the Chamber under his authority granted by the Congressional Biohazard Act.
At that point, everyone in the room was forcibly given a Covid-25 rapid test and booster shot; only when every single tests came in negative was the email declared a hoax.
Congress then broke for lunch and was set to reconvene at 4pm to vote on ending the government shutdown.
Unfortunately, on the way back from lunch, 31 different members of Congress were carjacked at gunpoint near the Capitol in Washington DC.
Along with the 18 members of Congress who were unable to attend session due to their ongoing corruption trials, there were not enough remaining members left in session to approve the bi-partisan budget deal.
Naturally, as yet another day closed without a resolution to the government shutdown, the finger pointing began.
Rep. Jasmine Crockett said, “Let’s talk about who really threatening Democracy— these extremist-ass who think deficits matter. Ever heard of money printing? Pass the damn budget— $2 trillion deficit ain’t shit. STOP THREATENING DEMOCRACY.”
Rep. Ilhan Omar accused The Regiment of “literal violence” for withholding $20 billion of funds to “rescue trans people from an ongoing genocide.”
When AOC tweeted, “Republicans threatening democracy are extremists, full stop,” Rep. Jim Jordan tweeted back, “I know you are, but what am I?”
Meanwhile, with Congress in gridlock, President Biden— who emerged two weeks ago from his most recent coma— has taken matters into his own hands.
Despite being expressly directed by the Supreme Court that he does not have the legal authority to fund government agencies without Congressional approval, Biden has kept the checks coming to the entire executive branch.
“If Congress won’t act, we’ll arrange funding on our own. We know a thing or two about that,” he told reporters, with a wink to his son Senator Hunter Biden standing nearby.
When asked how he plans to get around the Constitutional mandate that spending bills derive from Congress, he said, “My dad always said ‘Son, when democracy is threatened, some rules have to be broken.’ And that’s good advice.”
The Biden administration also took the opportunity to increase funding for the NATO-Russian War, which has increased the national debt by nearly a trillion dollars in just one week— all without the approval of Congress.
US stocks and Treasurys have plummeted as both businesses and foreign governments continue to pull investment from America.
Many have expressed shock and dismay that the United States government has lost the ability to govern itself, or to solve basic problems.
“This is a basic stability issue,” said Volkswagen CEO Herbert Deiss last week, right after his company announced that it was closing all US factories. “We just can’t rely on the American government anymore, and it’s too difficult to operate a complex business in that environment.”
His comments were met with ferocious retorts by several members of Congress who called Deiss a “capitalist pig who exudes toxic masculinity”, and told him to “STOP THREATENING OUR DEMOCRACY!”
Elon Musk recently spoke out saying that Congress “can’t even seem to act like grownups, let alone engage with basic civility…” He then posted a Poop emojii on Mark Zuckerberg’s X profile before challenging the Meta CEO to a light-saber duel.
Zuckerberg accepted, and the match is tentatively scheduled for December 31st in Athens, Greece.
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