Originally published via Armageddon Prose:
Let me denounce myself and concede upfront that Google is a total cancer on the Earth.
Its major video platform, YouTube, is a cesspit of state propaganda and censorship and cringey ads for consumer products that incessantly interrupt crust punk videos even though doing so simply makes me hate whatever company is doing it and whatever bullshit it’s peddling that I’ll never buy out of spite.
Somehow, humanity managed to survive pre-Google Maps and Gmail. No one has any excuse to ever use any of their products under any circumstances.
But YouTube’s got a lot of stuff on it, and embedding videos is super easy.
So I use it, because I’m a hypocrite.
Sue me.
Anyway, YouTube “Shorts” — 30-second clips specially designed for the rapidly decreasing average human attention span — are positively awash in internet whores with their tits hanging out, ostensibly “playing guitar” for the camera even though everyone knows what they’re really doing.
Because I apparently once or twice clicked on these videos, they now automatically appear at the top of the screen whenever I open the app.
https://youtube.com/shorts/Qj6vOY1QvJ4?si=kcla7WtmZ1Yo6wQe
https://youtube.com/shorts/z4UsXefp_2E?si=pqkrtu8MQKhs3JCb
The formula is almost sublime in its simplicity: stroke the strings like the guitar’s a phallus while you eye-fuck the camera in your streetwear.
https://youtube.com/shorts/ELAqxdE3BLI?si=kWZEIAmoNflZRh4z
Like the men of taste of yesteryear who read Playboy for the articles, I only really ever click for the comments sections. They’re usually lit.
Anyway, whatever, “get it how you live,” as the urbans say.
I don’t actually blame these women for using their assets, as it were, to generate income for themselves. It’s not like there’s a thriving middle-class economy out there for everyone. Like Kevin Gates, they “get it out the mud.”
(I can’t write the n-words out because I’m white and so transcribing what Kevin Gates raps on a video with 190 million views would be a racist hate crime for me to do. That’s how Social Justice™ works. Maybe one fine day, when I have some disposable income, I’ll hire a Person of Color™ to do this stuff for Armageddon Prose so it’ll be kosher.)
“Twenty-four hours, n***a, seven days a week
Me, I don’t get tired, I let you other n***s sleep
Turn up for that check and yeah I get it out the streets
Hustle like I’m starving going hard, I gotta eatI get it out the mud, yeah, yeah
I get it out the mud, yeah, yeah, yeah”
Regular Emily Dickensons, these modern rappers.
I’ll be totally honest: there’s an element of professional jealousy here. What’s truly embittering and, frankly, tragic is that these women probably earn more in a month than I make in a year strumming some strings with varying levels of skill while their breasts jiggle. Some of them have a lot of views.
The Calvin Klein bra girl one is really the most egregious of the guitar-tit-whores genre.
The things this lady does to class rock’n’roll riffs are unforgivable.
https://youtube.com/shorts/oDKcfWUhh2Y?si=A_daU9Sm58pxzlXk
I swear to God, I could play the guitar better even though I have no experience whatsoever and my stubby fingers barely reach the top string.
https://youtube.com/shorts/J17mULZDjtA?si=DuzoYvkuoRTtzd2r
https://youtube.com/shorts/f2RuGvtAL1E?si=rZgOHfcG3N3HwZGx
I’m not sure what all of this says about the long-term viability of Western civilization exactly, but it’s probably not good.
Let me end on a positive note: Contrast the above women with the fully-clothed acoustic heroine Jenn Fiorentino and the totally awesome Lawrence Arms tattoo (the hourglass with wings) on her shoulder.
She sings and plays beautifully and somehow people like me appreciate it even though she’s not cynically parlaying her music into a vehicle to sell sex. I celebrate her and, watching her play, I regret anything bad I ever said about American women.
You’re the best thing on YouTube, Jenn.
Ben Bartee, author of Broken English Teacher: Notes From Exile, is an independent Bangkok-based American journalist with opposable thumbs.
Follow his stuff Substack if you are inclined to support independent journalism free of corporate slant. Also, keep tabs via Twitter.
For hip Armageddon Prose t-shirts, hats, etc., peruse the merch store.
Insta-tip jar and Bitcoin public address: bc1qvq4hgnx3eu09e0m2kk5uanxnm8ljfmpefwhawv
